Dragonthian

Recently I have come down with a weakness in my legs. A few of you may already know of my condition, but for those of you who don't, well, I'm sitting here currently with an IV port in my arm. It rather sucks, because I'm now on steroid injection daily. After Thursday I get on a blister pack of pills. Starting at six and reducing each day. They've put me on this medication even without having gotten all the conclusive info on me. They've done MRI's and a spinal tap (OW!). Well, the doc's said tat this medication would give me a case of the pissy, melancholy, silly symptoms. PMS, eve though I'm a guy...screwed up.

I know I have been offline for a while, just letting you all know that I'm alive and well. Other than the fact that my computer has reverted back to DOS, I should be on once more.

My sincere thanks to all my friends, all of your words have helped me through the, possibly, most difficult time of my life.

Here's just a heads up. I have signed on with the air force and once I go through MEPS and graduate from high school, I'm pretty sure I'll be leaving shortly after for basic training.

For a long time now I have felt like my heart has been bleeding. Constant fighting in the "home" in which I live in. My parents have just recently gotten a divorce after an untold amount of time arguing. It tears me apart. Yes, I am relieved it may finally be over yet, I feel as if I can't live without either of them. Even more so is my brother's attitude, he just make me so furious! I try to ignore him, but to no avail. He is just so stupid sometimes. I just can't bring myself to fight back. This has been my entire life actually; always being stepped all over. Recently I have been turning to drugs and pornography to help me abandon this pain within me. I disappoint myself with this. I know I am better, but...I just can't let go. Yes, you may call it an addiction. I been reading many romance stories in hopes that these will help me break free of these habits. I am even writing a story myself. It is becoming a tragedy though, just as my life. I try and try to make my life better. No matter what I do, I always end up disappointing everyone. They say that practice makes perfect. I starting to believe that is not true. I try so hard to make works of art, most end up in failure. It makes my blood boil to where I want to cry. My hair falls out like a dog shedding in the Sahara heat. No, I'm not going bald.

Even now as I sit typing this I make the attempt to push back my tears from flowing from my eyes. Its so hard. My heart beats heavily with grief. There is so much pain, all of which I feel that no one can help me with. Twice, I have attempted suicide. Once at knife point, the other with an OD on pain pills. I have spoken to the councilors about a few of these things. But, there is so much more. Things I can't even bring myself to say. To me it seems like most people do not care about my plight. They cannot begin to understand. I have insomnia, PTSD, chronic dizziness, major depression. and so much more, all of which have developed from me pushing my body to it's limits, just to satisfy others. And yet I still cannot.

Every day it is the same thing, "do my best" over and over I hear this. And my "best" is usually not good enough for others. I'm failing school, I won't make graduation, my dog just died, my parents have split up, I'm turning to drugs...tell me, how do you think I should feel. It hurts so much. I feel as if I'm going to vomit. As of now I have given up trying. It is just making things worse. If I stop showing up one day, you'll know what has happened. I am sure of it.

Lately my shoulders and upper back have been killing me. It hurts even to draw pictures. I'm aching just typing this. So, after all that is said and done I have come to the conclusion that I need a new bed, shimata...

A few weeks ago my little brother was busted for having illegal drugs on him. This morning he tells everyone that he has community service to do. I said ok, and? The he askes our father for a ride. My brother shows him the map. Its too far away from were he has to work. My mother has a job in the opposite direction. So, as usual, that leaves ME. Hell... My firt impression to the topic. He shows me where he has to go... FUCK!!! Being the good bro that I am I take him. On the way there we got lost once and overshot a turn. By the time we get there I notice that the car has +100 miles added to it. I drop him off, tells me I can come get him in two days. Okay fine. I sat in the car for a moment completely velocitzed. I restart the car and I leave. So, begins my trip back home. In the town we got lost in, I became lost, AGAIN! After about a half-hour I find my way out. But, I took a different road. Forcing me to take the long way back to my town. I'm frustrated to the point where I don't care anymore. 100+ miles later I saunter into the house. And here I sit tell you about how my damn day was with my food on the table, my husky lying on my feet and my Japanese hard-rock music blaring in my ears.