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  • Listening to: A movie playing in the livingroom
Recently I have come down with a weakness in my legs. A few of you may already know of my condition, but for those of you who don't, well, I'm sitting here currently with an IV port in my arm. It rather sucks, because I'm now on steroid injection daily. After Thursday I get on a blister pack of pills. Starting at six and reducing each day. They've put me on this medication even without having gotten all the conclusive info on me. They've done MRI's and a spinal tap (OW!). Well, the doc's said tat this medication would give me a case of the pissy, melancholy, silly symptoms. PMS, eve though I'm a guy...screwed up.
  • Listening to: A movie playing in the livingroom
I know I have been offline for a while, just letting you all know that I'm alive and well. Other than the fact that my computer has reverted back to DOS, I should be on once more.

My sincere thanks to all my friends, all of your words have helped me through the, possibly, most difficult time of my life.

Here's just a heads up. I have signed on with the air force and once I go through MEPS and graduate from high school, I'm pretty sure I'll be leaving shortly after for basic training.
  • Listening to: I'm Still Here
For a long time now I have felt like my heart has been bleeding. Constant fighting in the "home" in which I live in. My parents have just recently gotten a divorce after an untold amount of time arguing. It tears me apart. Yes, I am relieved it may finally be over yet, I feel as if I can't live without either of them. Even more so is my brother's attitude, he just make me so furious! I try to ignore him, but to no avail. He is just so stupid sometimes. I just can't bring myself to fight back. This has been my entire life actually; always being stepped all over. Recently I have been turning to drugs and pornography to help me abandon this pain within me. I disappoint myself with this. I know I am better, but...I just can't let go. Yes, you may call it an addiction. I been reading many romance stories in hopes that these will help me break free of these habits. I am even writing a story myself. It is becoming a tragedy though, just as my life. I try and try to make my life better. No matter what I do, I always end up disappointing everyone. They say that practice makes perfect. I starting to believe that is not true. I try so hard to make works of art, most end up in failure. It makes my blood boil to where I want to cry. My hair falls out like a dog shedding in the Sahara heat. No, I'm not going bald.

Even now as I sit typing this I make the attempt to push back my tears from flowing from my eyes. Its so hard. My heart beats heavily with grief. There is so much pain, all of which I feel that no one can help me with. Twice, I have attempted suicide. Once at knife point, the other with an OD on pain pills. I have spoken to the councilors about a few of these things. But, there is so much more. Things I can't even bring myself to say. To me it seems like most people do not care about my plight. They cannot begin to understand. I have insomnia, PTSD, chronic dizziness, major depression. and so much more, all of which have developed from me pushing my body to it's limits, just to satisfy others. And yet I still cannot.

Every day it is the same thing, "do my best" over and over I hear this. And my "best" is usually not good enough for others. I'm failing school, I won't make graduation, my dog just died, my parents have split up, I'm turning to drugs...tell me, how do you think I should feel. It hurts so much. I feel as if I'm going to vomit. As of now I have given up trying. It is just making things worse. If I stop showing up one day, you'll know what has happened. I am sure of it.
  • Listening to: Kokoro no Hadaka
  • Eating: A pain pill
  • Drinking: Water
Lately my shoulders and upper back have been killing me. It hurts even to draw pictures. I'm aching just typing this. So, after all that is said and done I have come to the conclusion that I need a new bed, shimata...
  • Listening to: Despair Billy
  • Eating: Vinnilla Ice cream, Pringles
  • Drinking: Pina Colada Juice
A few weeks ago my little brother was busted for having illegal drugs on him. This morning he tells everyone that he has community service to do. I said ok, and? The he askes our father for a ride. My brother shows him the map. Its too far away from were he has to work. My mother has a job in the opposite direction. So, as usual, that leaves ME. Hell... My firt impression to the topic. He shows me where he has to go... FUCK!!! Being the good bro that I am I take him. On the way there we got lost once and overshot a turn. By the time we get there I notice that the car has +100 miles added to it. I drop him off, tells me I can come get him in two days. Okay fine. I sat in the car for a moment completely velocitzed. I restart the car and I leave. So, begins my trip back home. In the town we got lost in, I became lost, AGAIN! After about a half-hour I find my way out. But, I took a different road. Forcing me to take the long way back to my town. I'm frustrated to the point where I don't care anymore. 100+ miles later I saunter into the house. And here I sit tell you about how my damn day was with my food on the table, my husky lying on my feet and my Japanese hard-rock music blaring in my ears.
  • Listening to: Noboby Knows+: Hero's Come Back!!
What ever time zone you're at Ohayou (good morning), Konichiwa (good afternoon), or Konban wa (Good evening)!

Hero's Come Back!! lyrics

Tooku de kikoeru koe wo hitori
Hitori mata hitori de chi agaru toushi
Kurikaesu dake no fudan doori
Itsu ga iku jumbi ii are you ready?

Karadajuu fuu no wa shinzou ni
Hageshiku chi narase yo stomping
Taeru tsuki wo ukasu call me
Kawarisugiru ga nuki ka story
(COME ON!)

EVERYBODY STAND UP!
Agero! Kyou ichiban no jikan da
Me ni mo tomoranu SPEED HUNTER
Daremo ga mina toriko kanban YEAH (COME ON!)
EVERYBODY HANDS UP!
Mata shita na HERO'S COME BACK!!
Zujou kazoe yubi oriru COUNTDOWN
Iku ze 3-2-1 MAKE SOME NOISE!

HEY YO WHAT YOU GONNA DO? WHAT YOU GONNA DO?
Taemanaku narihibiki kizamu
DEJA VU yori mo gotsui shougeki ga
Zenshin wo hashiri risan BREAK IT DOWN
TURN IT UP (TURN IT UP) Hey kikoekka?
Sakenda kino made no koto ga
Kawaru darou madaminu asu he
Koborete afureta omoi no bun made

Machi ni matta SHOW TIME
saitechiru shukumei
Dochira ni katamuku shouhai no yukue
Agura kaite Ryakon ni mo tsubureru
Nagashita chito ase onore de nukue
Negai mo PRIDE mo fukume subete wo seotta tagai no haigo
Nasake wo kaketerya dame ni naru ze
Tamote POTENTIAL MENTAL men

Neko mo shakushi mo matte you na HERO
Hitoban dake no goran, ROMAN hikou
O-! ii ne sonnanjane- sa
KICK ON THE CORNER mada tari nee ka?
Itsumo to chikau hijou na jinkaku mamoru no sasubete
LIKE A TERMINATOR
4 kai, 5 kai de tatsu HIGHLIGHT (FLY HIGH, YEAH!)
Issou kono bade tsutaetaruzo

EVERYBODY STAND UP!
Agero! Kyou ichiban no jikan da
Me ni mo tomoranu SPEED HUNTER
Daremo ga mina toriko kanban YEAH (COME ON!)
EVERYBODY HANDS UP!
Mata shita na HERO'S COME BACK!!
Zujou kazoe yubi oriru COUNTDOWN
Iku ze 3-2-1 MAKE SOME NOISE!

Mou tashou no RISK wa kakugo desho
Nankai korondatte tatsu (GET IT ON)
Nareai ja nai ze kamihitoe no SESSION
Irikunda kanjou kizukiagete kesshou
MADE IN HUMAN no DRAMA no enchou
Marude moesakaru yoshiwara no enjou
ENDLESS saki mo korogaru nichijou
Warau hodo baka ni narerutte koto

Resseifuku mukaikaze nimo maken
Makikomu nandomo dekuwashite kita ze
Ikudotonaku tatsu konoba no BATTLE
Tatakai kata nara kono mi ga satoru
Ichiya niya no tsukeyakiba ja
Mamoru mon ga chigau na shirohata wo buri na
Hi no me akogareru hikage wo shiru
Iiwake wa kikan sorekoso ga REAL

FIGHTO maido I'M PROUD
Nani kara nani ma de mada ushinaccha nai zo
YES ka NO janai itsuka kou warau
Hanakara PATTO kimeru ikuze aibou

Wakiagaru kansei ga yuuki to naru
Tachiagareba ima ijou kurushimi tomonau
Soredemo saigo wa kitto warau
Subete sarau shouri to kansei

EVERYBODY STAND UP!
Agero! Kyou ichiban no jikan da
Me ni mo tomoranu SPEED HUNTER
Daremo ga mina toriko kanban YEAH (COME ON!)
EVERYBODY HANDS UP!
Mata shita na HERO'S COME BACK!!
Zujou kazoe yubi oriru COUNTDOWN
Iku ze 3-2-1 MAKE SOME NOISE!

EVERYBODY STAND UP!
Agero! Kyou ichiban no jikan da
Me ni mo tomoranu SPEED HUNTER
Daremo ga mina toriko kanban YEAH (COME ON!)
EVERYBODY HANDS UP!
Mata shita na HERO'S COME BACK!!
Zujou kazoe yubi oriru COUNTDOWN
Iku ze 3-2-1 MAKE SOME NOISE!

P.S. if you're curious about what this sounds like or my other one (Seishun Kyousoukyoku) drop me an E-mail, it is on my deviant info. I'll see if I can send it to ya.
  • Listening to: Sambomaster: Seishun Kyousoukyoku
I THINK the romanji is correct,

Seishun Kyousoukyoku lyrics:

hikarabita kotoba wo tsunaide
soredemo boku no shinpuru na
omoi wo tsutaetai dakenano
fukinukeru kusunda ano hi no kaze wa
kinou no haikyo ni uchisutete

kimi to warau ima wo ikiru no da
soredemo kono dekigoto
ga kimi wo kurushimeru daro
dakarakoso sayonara nanda

konomama nani mo nokorazu ni
anata to wakachiau dake
yagate bokura wa
sorega subete dato kigatsuite
kanashimi ga hoho wo tsutatte
namida no kawa ni narudake
yureru omoi wa tsuyoi uzu ni natte
tokeau no yo

iradachi to ka
sukoshi kurai no kodoku datoka wa
ittai sorega boku nado nito tte
nandattendaro?
ima wa dorama no naka ja nai ndase
"nee, doudai?"
sono koe ni bokura furikaettemo
dawa mo inai daro?

dakarakoso bokura takaraka ni sakebu no da

sore demo bokura no koe wa
dokonimo todokanai daro
dakarakoso sayonara nanda

soshite mata toki wa nagarete
anatato wakachiau dake
yagate bokura wa sore ga subete dato
kigatsuite
kanashimi ga hoho wo tsutatte
hitotsuji no uta ni naru dake
yureru omoi wa tsuyoi uzu ni natte
tokeaunoyo tokeaunoyo

fukinukeru kusunda ano hi no kaze wa
kinou no haigyo ni urasutete Oh Yeah

konomama nani mo nokorazu ni
anatato wakachiau dake
soshite anata wa ima ga subete dato kigatsuite
kanashimi ga hoho wo tsutatte
namida no kawa ni narudake
soshite bokura wa awai umi ni natte
tokeau no yo
tokeau no yo
tokeau no yo

yagate bukura wa sore ga subete dato kigatsuite
yagate bukura wa kanashimi ga hoho wo tsutau koto wo oboete
yagate bukura wa yagate bukura wa
anatagata to tokeau wake desu yo
tokeau wake desu
--
Sayonara Bye Bye
Knowing is only half the truth. For one can only truly discover how deep something goes by exploring it first hand; however, one must tread carfully. The most sacred and true secrets can hold a darker knowledge not fit for those feint of heart,mind, and soul. The truth is a lock your understading is the key but, make sure to look before you leap as it were. You may just find yourself in a difficult if not impessible bind. On the other hand you could grasp a greater understading on life and it's meanings. Its for you to decide...
  • Listening to: Seishun Kyousoukyoku
Life is a book. As one makes dicisions, the story is being written. The story has ups and downs for its main character: you. Only you have the ability to tell what happens next. Either the result will be good or bad, its your own choice. Fate is something that is easily manipulated by the person weilding it. It is your book that shapes your destiny, what you write is what you get. If there is an antagonist move around it, push through it, do not let anything stand on your way to achieve your goals. Take hold the wings of fate, for they will aid you to your destination. Over the mountains of hardships to the peak of your dream, across the open sea of struggle to the land of triumph, throungh the fires of discouragement to a paradise of salvation. It is your fate, use it as you please.
  • Listening to: Kamelot: EdenEcho