For a long time now I have felt like my heart has been bleeding. Constant fighting in the "home" in which I live in. My parents have just recently gotten a divorce after an untold amount of time arguing. It tears me apart. Yes, I am relieved it may finally be over yet, I feel as if I can't live without either of them. Even more so is my brother's attitude, he just make me so furious! I try to ignore him, but to no avail. He is just so stupid sometimes. I just can't bring myself to fight back. This has been my entire life actually; always being stepped all over. Recently I have been turning to drugs and pornography to help me abandon this pain within me. I disappoint myself with this. I know I am better, but...I just can't let go. Yes, you may call it an addiction. I been reading many romance stories in hopes that these will help me break free of these habits. I am even writing a story myself. It is becoming a tragedy though, just as my life. I try and try to make my life better. No matter what I do, I always end up disappointing everyone. They say that practice makes perfect. I starting to believe that is not true. I try so hard to make works of art, most end up in failure. It makes my blood boil to where I want to cry. My hair falls out like a dog shedding in the Sahara heat. No, I'm not going bald.
Even now as I sit typing this I make the attempt to push back my tears from flowing from my eyes. Its so hard. My heart beats heavily with grief. There is so much pain, all of which I feel that no one can help me with. Twice, I have attempted suicide. Once at knife point, the other with an OD on pain pills. I have spoken to the councilors about a few of these things. But, there is so much more. Things I can't even bring myself to say. To me it seems like most people do not care about my plight. They cannot begin to understand. I have insomnia, PTSD, chronic dizziness, major depression. and so much more, all of which have developed from me pushing my body to it's limits, just to satisfy others. And yet I still cannot.
Every day it is the same thing, "do my best" over and over I hear this. And my "best" is usually not good enough for others. I'm failing school, I won't make graduation, my dog just died, my parents have split up, I'm turning to drugs...tell me, how do you think I should feel. It hurts so much. I feel as if I'm going to vomit. As of now I have given up trying. It is just making things worse. If I stop showing up one day, you'll know what has happened. I am sure of it.